When our kids were all younger, we made a conscious decision to eat family meals together. For most families this would be really easy…you just wait until both parents are home and then eat. But Hectic Mom was in Medical Residency when we had our first three, so we often made dinner at home, packed everything up, and took it to the resident’s lounge. We would wait until she had a couple of minutes between patients and eat together, as a family. Many people asked why we did that and whether the hassle was worth it.
In all honesty, it was an ordeal. I had to not only make a meal, but make one that could be transported and kept warm for an indefinite amount of time. I had to wrangle three toddlers into the car, then into the hospital. All the while hauling the food and everything else we needed for dinner. Plus Hectic Mom’s schedule was often 72 on, 24 off, so we would sometimes have three consecutive dinners at the hospital before having one at home.
But we set a pattern for family meals early on and have stuck with it ever since.
As the kids got into school, Hectic Mom got settled into medical practice, and the kids grew…we kept having family dinners.
When they started in sports, the dinners got pushed a little later. Then the practices got longer and more of them were in sports. Dinners became complex timing affairs. We often didn’t sit down to dinner until 9pm…when many of the kids peers were been tucked into bed. But having those meals together, as a family, was really important…so we figured out a way to make it work.
On the positive side, homework was almost always done before dinner (at least until the kids hit middle school). Plus everybody was at the table, so we were able to catch up with each other. Everybody knew what was going on in everybody’s life. For better or for worse.
Our conversations were far ranging, and from the youngest to the oldest, everybody had an equal share in steering the conversation. Sometimes I would use a conversation starter, such as “What was the dumbest thing you say today” or “What has your happiest moment?”. Hectic Mom would often lead with “How have you exceeded my expectations today?”. Sometimes the older kids would generate conversation starters. Regardless of how things started, there was no way to know where they would lead. Oftentimes we would have to cut off the conversation long after the eating was done. Everybody still had things to do.
One of the best results of our family meals is reflected in how our family gatherings go now. A few weeks ago we had the first opportunity in over ten years for all the kids to be at home simultaneously. Many of them are married. There are grandkids. And lots of food. But the conversation is still as lively as it ever was, often punctuated by the astonishment of the family members who have married-in. They often can’t believe what a chaotic mess our meals (and aftermath) are. But chaotic in a good way!
I truly wish we could get together for more family meals. I miss the old days when everybody was around the table late into the night, on a school night, talking about some arcane subject. The varied opinions on everything from politics to health science, from rocketry to rollerblades, was fun to explore. And there were definitely not shortage of opinions. Nor did anybody ever feel suppressed or unable to express their view. The Hectic Kids learned to debate and explore at the dinner table through many years of practice, and I’ll often see their skills surface in interactions on social media. They’re some of the most articulate and well-spoken people I know. And I’m not just being a proud Dad here…lots of people have told me so!
The point is, when life is all hectic and crazy, it’s hard to get everybody to the table at the same time. As the kids get older, they want to eat in front of the TV or gaming console. Everybody is pulled in a myriad of directions…and it’s easy to lose sight of the importance of gathering as a family. But from somebody who fought those battles and got everybody to the table for well over 20 years, I can attest to the magic that was created. When my bunch comes together I’m reminded that all the hassle and hustle was worth it.
So as you’re sitting down to dinner tonight, think about trying to do that as a family. Trust me, you’ll be glad you did!
